you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
