Princesses don't give blow jobs
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
