there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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