It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
