I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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