when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
