chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
