just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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