I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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