I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
