I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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