New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
