i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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