Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.