This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
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Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
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Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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