If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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