my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
