Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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