now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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