I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
