why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
