I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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