Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
