All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Never joke about your clitoris.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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