in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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