I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
