Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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