he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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