I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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