I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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