I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
