Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
