there's paper in my vomit.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
