We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
ttyl tear gas
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
