I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
