There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
