So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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