i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
