Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
