I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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