It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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