Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
