my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
