You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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