I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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