ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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