I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My liver is preforming stress tests.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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