so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
