So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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