Heybabeimwearingurpanties
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
