um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
