LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
