Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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