To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
