We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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