Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
